


Little tragedies

by A_wandering_mind



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, funny i hope, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 12:43:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14136285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_wandering_mind/pseuds/A_wandering_mind
Summary: Audrie and Joker are together, and they have a nice routine with each other, until Joker discovers that there's something that could make Shepard angry, very very angry.





	Little tragedies

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, I'm not a native english speaker, so if you notice typo and mistakes, please tell me :D

Two things Joker had learned during his life about women: they are unpredictable, and when they don’t talk to you, they’re definitely angry, either with you or with the world.

That morning, Audrie had greeted him, asked to EDI about the current situation in the Normandy, left a kiss on his cheek and then headed to meet Miranda for a briefing, along with the other crew members. They had just left the citadel, there was no suspicious activity in the area they were passing through, and no reports of collectors. Joker was relaxed on his leather chair, thinking about what he and Shepard could do that night.He had found some old movies for sale, and even some video games, ideal for a relaxed evening, something she always needed.

Only after a few hours he realized that the crew was quieter than usual. He had heard Chambers whisper something to his colleagues, and judging from the face that she had, someething really unpleasant must has happened. He tried to pick up some pieces of the discussions, in vain. Everyone seemed strangely speechless.

He called EDI, but suddenly he heard footsteps behind him, turned and saw Audrie reach him. The crew quit as she walked along the corridor that separated him from the pilot’s cab, and no one dared say hello to the commander. He immediately realized there was something wrong with her, judging by the way she was walking.

“Hey, how about the briefing? Everything ok?” Joker hit her with one of his best smiles, turning his armchair toward her. “Miranda gave you a twist?” Shepard did not even look at him, and head straight to the copilot’s chair, sitting down and looking out at the stars, arms crossed.  _She must be really angry_. “Miranda can be very stubborn sometimes. Men, when you’re still recovering I remember that… ”

“The leg or the arm?” Audrie interrupted, with a rough tone, without looking at him.

Joker stared at her, turned to see if she was talking to someone else, but not even EDI’s had appeared. “What?” He asked, obviously confused.

“Do you prefer that I broke your arm or you leg first? Or maybe both?” She turned to face him, and the little blue sparks that glinted over her green eyes signaled him the danger. She was literally furious.

Joker swallowed hard. “What I did this morning? You greeted me, you gave me a kiss and I just piloted the ship. I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong with extranet too, at least nothing porno this time.” Audrie got up and stood in front of him, her hands on her hips. Suddenly he knew why she was feared on the battlefield.

“You broke the coffee machine. The only coffee machine.  _My coffee machine_.” She yelled at him. “What did you say about that?”

Joker suddenly wanted to disappear into another galaxy. “Ah,  _that_ …” He thought of Garrus and the last evening. Maybe he had drank a little too much and had dropped something on the floor, trying to reach his quarters. The turian hadn’t said anything to him, but only now Joker realized that he had disappeared in the battery too quickly, so quickly that it was suspicious. “Audrie, it was an accident.”

“Fuck the accident!” She pointed at his nose. “Do you realize that we just left the citadel and we could only come back in no less than two weeks?  _Two fucking weeks_  in which I can not drink coffee, I hope you realize my drama.” She tried to calm down her breath, closing the eyes.

Joker flattened into the chair. “I know Donnelly always has soluble coffee, you can ask him a little of his stock.” He gave her a crooked smile, taking the accusing hand between his. “I can intermediate. That’s not a tragedy.”

Audrie stared at him with wide open eyes, then made a mocking smile, leaning toward him. “Oh, surely it is so.” And she caress his beard with her other hand, feeling him shaking slightly under her fingers. “Do you know what else is not a tragedy? Don’t make sex.”

Joker stared at her with his mouth open. “What?”

“Sex, the thing that usually two people do together, the thing that we usually have together.” she said sarcastically. “Until I fix my coffee machine, you could not enter to my quarters.” She kissed him on the cheek, stood up, and greeted him with a waving hand as she left. “I hope you’ll enjoy your next lonely nights.”

Joker remained motionless like a salt statue. After a moment, though allibito, he began to flaunt with the on-board computer. “Shit!” His fingers were working at supersonic speed. “Shit, shit, shit.” He didn’t even noticed EDI’s blue light materialized.  
“Mr. Moreau, the coffee machine aboard the Normandy is very old and there are only two specialized stores that can repair it, both on the citadel. The route has been set on the Hourglass Nebula 3 system.”

Joker looked desperately at AI, stopping and sliding his arms over his legs. “I kill Garrus, I will break my spine in the attempt but I’ll kill him and his fucking big mouth.”


End file.
